For as far back as I can remember I was interested in the sexual. I was the recipient of attention by an aunt and her friends. I didn’t understand what was happening to me, but the stimulation was powerful and intriguing. I believe this helped set me up for a secret life of obsessive masturbation.
It’s important to note that I am of mixed heritage, and being so, I experienced the pain of rejection on many levels. Rejection was the cornerstone of my self-loathing. My father rejected me and mom couldn’t help because she lived in her own hell. I had no reprieve outside the home because I was rejected by my peers as well. I just didn’t fit in – anywhere.
Thus, life experiences taught me that I was unloved, unwanted and even hated. I was a teen in the sixties. I began meeting many other lonely souls seeking acceptance through alcohol, drugs and sex. I was handsome enough, so I attracted individuals looking for my type not withstanding the countless advances I would make. It was through them that I sought to be accepted and to validate my sense of self. It proved to be an illusion. From deep within I recognized it for the puffed-up lie it was, but that didn’t curb my wild desires a bit.
My Sexual Obsession Controlled Me
Self-gratification became the norm in my life. No place was sacred especially when I was intoxicated. I remember days when my soul walked the streets looking up to heaven asking God, “Where are you?” I was a kid looking for a dad to help me understand. Tragically, the carnage was carried over into an early marriage (a story in itself). Yes, married with five children – a family that I left mainly because I didn’t know who I was.
No matter what was happening in my life my unfailing companion was always there just below the surface with its incessant demands. Pornography widened the portal to experiences with demons. I resigned myself to a life of masturbation that had become surreal. I have no words to describe the horror and the hideousness of
it all. I only knew that it would be with me for life.
How My Recovery Began
I flirted habitually. I knew that flirting is inappropriate, but when women flirted back or seemed accepting, this too validated my existence. One day a woman at work cried sexual harassment. My cover was blown and I was shaken to the core. I thought I would lose my job and my retirement. This was the catalyst for seeking help. I went to church and confessed my sins. God steered me to a man who pointed me to Avenue.
I know of no other ministry or service that takes a man by the hand, if he’s willing, and walks him through a process to freedom from sexual bondage the way Avenue does. In Avenue, I have found the way to get out and stay out of sexual bondage. Strongholds have and are being demolished and reparations are being made to the walls of my character. Ever so important is that it is through this process that God introduced me to myself. Today I love myself. Yes, I am still challenged. Yes, I am still compelled, but the compulsion is to serve Yahweh and to give Him the glory the honor, and the praise. Today I am a walking miracle because God touched my life, my whole life, through Avenue.